Raggedyman doesn’t go to the cinema!

This weeks cinema releases, kind of...

Commentary of some of the big releases from the week, based purely on their trailers and hype. Minimal content, maximum sarcastic comments on pictures. We can’t vouch for their authenticity or accuracy, but it’s definitely what their marketing departments wants you to feel.

Warning: contains satire, parody, and the results of excessive exposure to Hollywood propaganda.


Gemini Man
The Fresh Prince of Bell Air and Hancock fight it out to see who gets to be Will Smith in Bad Boys 3. Expect explosions, light sexy scenes with Mary Elizabeth Winstead, and members of the audience being crushed under the sheer weight of snappy one liners. Will it redefine action films? Almost certainly not, but we’ll enjoy it because Will Smith!

“What the hell did you do with my hairline!?”

Jexi
Her, but redone without the voice of Scarlet Johanson and with that annoying manchild from all those comedy’s you watched when there was nothing else on Netflix. Plot twist, The Compute Bitch Be Crazy! LoL!! Oh man, so 2019!! Also the main character is addicted to their phone and writes about pop culture, so we feel personally attacked by this amazing bit of social commentary.

“I’m awful because it makes me money. I’m good with that. Honestly. Yuck! Yuck! “

The King
Disappointingly not an Elvis bio-pic. Some fetus with a Peaky Blinders haircut is King Henry of Olde England, and everyone else talks really slowly to make sure you know it’s dramatic. The cast looks miserable but also recently washed, so it’s historical accuracy is debatable. There’s some knight charges and trebuchets chucking around fireballs, so it might not be a complete slog through its… 2 hours and 20 minutes!?!?!! Also it’s on Netflix but will also be shown in about three cinemas once, at midnight, so you just know they’re gagging for awards with this one.

“Sir, I have a hangover you could kill an elephant with”

That’s it for this week!
The Raggedyman


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