Raggedyman doesn’t go to the cinema! 18th October 2019

This weeks cinema releases, kind of...

Commentary of some of the big releases from the week, based purely on their trailers and hype. Minimal content, maximum sarcastic comments on pictures. We can’t vouch for their authenticity or accuracy, but it’s definitely what their marketing departments wants you to feel.

Warning: contains satire, parody, and the results of excessive exposure to Hollywood propaganda.


 

Official Secrets
Doctor Who and Elizabeth Swann travel back in time to 2003 to kill Tony Blair, with the help of the Observer newspaper. Guest staring a bunch of serious actors, booming and menacing blasts of audio fuzz, and the Ghost Of Public Protests Past. You know the story, you know the story behind the story, now feel like you’ve accomplished something by knowing the story behind the story behind the story! It’ll be earnest, it’ll be shocking, and you won’t know the outcome till over a decade ago!

“Why no, I did not know I was paying too much for my car insurance”

Shaun The Sheep: Farmageddon
Aliens are in the farmyard, but it’s to learn a touching lesson about family and stuff. If you have kids you are going to see this, like it or not And there’s a British Area 51, so that could actually be funny until you’re forced to watch it for the 50th time on DVD. I’m sure you’ll also love it’s perky, ska-pop tune, as you hear it ever day for the rest of your life! It’s Baby Shark: The Movie, AND YOU CAN’T STOP IT!!

ET, Rave on!

 

Disney’s Maleficent: Mistress of Evil
A sequel to a prequel about a baddie, with a wedding! And a secret origin! And lots of almost recognisably English accents. Dresses are worm, CGI is churned, the forces of the forest and the forces of the city go to war like Rangers and Celtic fans, and Angelina Jolie wears some kind of tight latex combat bikini (Calm Yourselves!). Will love win? Yes. Will there be a sequel to the sequel to prequel? Probably, but only if you say it slowly. Will Michelle Pfeiffer wear a tight latex combat bikini? Hopefully.

“Will this take long? Only my wings are on fire”

 

That’s it for this week!
The Raggedyman


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