Raggedyman doesn’t go to the cinema! 15th November 2019

Don't blame us: blame bad trailers!

The Raggedyman hits out with opinions on some of the big releases from the week, based purely on their trailers and hype. Minimal content, maximum sarcastic comments. We can’t vouch for their authenticity or accuracy when compared to the whole film, but it’s definitely how the marketing departments made us feel.

Warning: contains satire, parody, will exaggeration and other side effects of of excessive exposure to Hollywood propaganda.


This week, The Raggedyman mostly won’t be going to the cinema because the weather is just awful. I’m not trekking outside to drown, freeze, or run the risk of getting asked a question about the election from some random TV camera crew lurking in the bushes. Or, even worse, a politician. I’m also definitely not risking watching things like this!

Last Christmas

Emily Clarke and her eyebrows co-star in a touching romantic Christmas romcom that starts with the electrocution of some fish and then gets even more painful as Emma Thompson does a Borat level Eastern European accent. But wait, this one is different as it features the songs of George Michael and the never used before “random bloke on the street” love interest who’s met outside a shop, so it’s all going to end up roses or with a car going through the front door of a shop. Throw in a main character with a medical condition and a hidden talent and you’ll either be crying because she nearly dies or because Simon Cowell turns up in the final act. Also it’s being launched in the middle of November, so it’ll be as much fun as Killing Fields: The Musical or just the cinemas doing what Tesco already does.

Ford Vs Ferrari

Christian Bale is a maverick race-car engineer, Matt Damon is a slightly more socially competent maverick race-car engineer: together they are going to prove that Henry Ford can hire better maverick race-car engineers than Enzo Ferrari can! They’re up against the clock and the people who hired them not understanding their maverick race-car engineer ways (ie, the reason they hired them), and there’s probably some family emotional stuff thrown in for good measure. Will they win? Yes, yes they will. Will it be historically accurate? LOL, no. Will cars go “VRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOMMMMM-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-CLUNGGUN-VROOOOOOMMMMMM!!” Probably, although hopefully with better sound effects. Is it an arse breakingly 152 minutes long? Yes. Why is that? No clue. That’s 85% of Fellowship Of The Wings and there isn’t a dragon in sight.

Driven

How can someone make the story of the DeLorean car and its insane inventor look dull? Well, for a start you make it both a frightening 80’s power thriller and a hilarious 80’s bumbling cop comedy and fail to be good at either. Then you suck all the charisma out of a talented cast, turn all the colours down (possibly to save money), fill it full of cliches, and have someone scream in a drained swimming pool (possibly because they realised they were in this film). It’s got drugs! It’s got money! It’s got girls! It’s got the sodding DeLorean in it and it still doesn’t get you to give a monkeys!! Imagine The Wolf of Wall Street in beige, then tone it down a bit least you spill your cheeky second Horlicks of the night.

 
That’s it for this week. Next time, why Pickles: The Movie would be a box office smash!!
The Raggedyman


Raggedyman Doesn’t Go To The Cinema is sponsored by Needlessly Aggressive Products: Helping your inner angst become your outer angst.