A weekly look at the worst trailers, PR, and marketing nonsense that us in the face like an unwelcome fish over the last week. Minimal content, maximum sarcastic comments. We can’t vouch for their authenticity or accuracy when compared to the actual product, but it’s definitely how the marketing departments made us feel. So, yeah: it’s technically all their fault!!
Warning: contains satire, parody, wilful exaggeration and other side effects of of excessive exposure to Hollywood propaganda.
Yes, this used to be called “Raggedyman Doesn’t go to the Cinema”. It’s a remake, they happen. Get over it.
The Incredible Hulk takes on a new baddie called Du-Pont!! None of the other Avengers turn up, but it’s got the usual sinister “derrrrr-dun-dunn!!” music, rapid cuts between noble speeches and high action, and it’s seems to be shot at Hawkeye’s farmhouse. Tim Robbins does a good turn as King Pin though, and as it’s a courtroom drama we can expect to see She-Hulk in the final act. That or it’s another “based on a true story” that isn’t, because life is complicated but the three-act beast must be feed. Plus; can you name a court-room drama that wouldn’t be improved by The Hulk?
“You can’t handle The Truth!” “HULK SMASH!!!!”
If you’re going to make a quirky, Perfect-World-So-It’s-Going-To-Be-Sinister-Under-The-Hood movie then, for god’s sake’s, don’t ruin the build up by saying it’s Wes Anderson doing Black Mirror and David Lynch doing Desperate Housewives. You aren’t going to deliver on that! Even Anderson and Lynch couldn’t deliver on that! The boy turning into a dog was interesting but **bam** now you’re a Saturday Night Live skit with pretensions of grandeur and that baby swap just looks like an annoying subplot that’ll go nowhere.
I can taste the quirk from here!
Kristen Stewart can’t act, Ella Balinska is impressively violent, and Patrick Stewart is a creepy old man. They have a mission, Naomi Scott, and a car with the attachment every woman wants: an M61 Vulcan cannon! Then the director turns up as a featured character and it moves halfway between Bourne, Ocean’s Eight, and Cruel Intentions in a bad way (how???). It’s probably an action movie, it could be a pop video, and if it doesn’t convince you to go and see the film then it has failed it’s job.
You know what makes me not want to watch a movie?
The director asking me to watch the trailer as an intro to the trailer.
Always a bad sign
Till next week!
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