A weekly look at the worst trailers, PR, and marketing nonsense that us in the face like an unwelcome fish over the last week. Minimal content, maximum sarcastic comments. We can’t vouch for their authenticity or accuracy when compared to the actual product, but it’s definitely how the marketing departments made us feel. So, yeah: it’s technically all their fault!!
Warning: contains satire, parody, wilful exaggeration and other side effects of of excessive exposure to Hollywood propaganda.
It’s Christmas Time! Well, almost. These got hoofed out early, because just look at them.
INVASION PLANET EARTH
Proving that the BBC don’t have a monopoly on buggering up alien invasions, here’s a straight to SyFy channel disaster piece. CRINGE! As everyone looks slightly bored. GIGGLE! As humans jog from bemused CGI alien death machines. WINCE! At nothing explodes convincingly. CONTEMPLATE! On why anyone thought adding zombies to this mix could possibly improve the situation. And FORGET! everything you’ve just seen, except possibly the least animated response to eight and a half million people being wiped out in a flash.
Allegedly not a video game cut scene
Beyond The Law
He’s a cop who doesn’t play by the rules. He’s an ex-cop who doesn’t play by the rules. The “he” in the corner? Non-rule playing cop. That feller over there is the bad-guy, so no rules are expected to be given. Lots of cops, very few rules, and Steven Seagal lazily slapping everyone (cop/not cop, rules/no rules) like rag dolls stolen from every 90’s movie he ever made. May contain tits and violence, unlikely to contain anything less than 30 years old.
No lighting rig either
“I’ve got a great idea, what if we took Signs and Children Of The Corn and put them together”, said a producer one day.
*snort*”Nice, but we need some action. Throw in The Fugitive?”, said his chum.
“Yeah!”*rubrub*”And some X-Files? Kids love the X-Files”*twitch*, he asked.
*SNIFFFFF*”Hey… you remember Pumpkin Head?”, the chum replied.
And that’s the only possible explanation for what you just watched, because nothing says “watch me” like being five movies in one.
It’s a shame how many colds derail a decent movie
Silly Titled James Bond Movie
Bond is back, and still sulky because all those cars, guns, and stunts get in the way of a nice cup of Horlicks. Has M told him to take down his Linkin Park posters?? Ralph Fiennes sounds like he should be in Downton Abbey, Rami Malek makes a decent Phantom of the Opera, and they’re letting a woman kill people!?!? Dear god, whatever next!?! Oh, they put mini-guns in a cars headlights… right… Bang, Bang, Boom, Boom, Drab, Drab. One day Bond might be fun again.
No, it’s not coming out this week.
But you’ve already made up your mind on it so I might as well grief on it now to avoid the rush.
And, in other news:
- Zack Snyder’s Legendary/Apocryphal/Overhyped directors cut of Justice League was apparently 5 hours long, but felt like 15.
- Honey, I Shrunk The Kids is getting a reboot because we are evil and must be punished.
- Adam Sandler threatens to make a horrible movie by working to his usual standards.
- Planet of The Apes reboot is getting a reboot because we are evil and must be punished.
- Black Widow proved she’s a super-spy by releasing the most non-descript trailer ever.
- Netflix refuses to confirm how many of it’s subscribers have finished watching The Irishman yet.
More marketing abuse next week