Trash Or Treasure: Santa Conquers The Martians

Ho Ho Hooooh god! It's full of 60's tat!

Part travelogue through the byroads of lesser known movies, part guide to the dustier offerings found in the bargain bins throughout the land. The Raggedyman uses his experience of watching practically anything that crosses his path to sieve through the old, the obscure, and the just plain odd so you don’t have to. Take his hand as he leads you through cult classics, underground favourites, forgotten wonders, and new discoveries to let you know if it’s a precious relic still able to grab the eye of the modern viewer or a bit of detritus that it needs to be dumped on the garbage heap of times gone by.

This was supposed to be an easy Trash or Treasure to do before the festive season really kicked in. The plan was to find a seasonal movie with a reputation for being a stinker and heap 800 more words of jovial disdain on it’s head. Could you get any surer shot than a film that’s spent its whole life in the bottom 100 of the Internet Database, has appeared on Mystery Science Theatre 3000, and even made the 100 Most Amusingly Bad Movies Ever Made list by the founder of the Razzies? I thought not, and I was wrong. Very happily wrong. And I now know why it shat out money like a gilded Christmas goose when it first hit the cinemas in 1964.

“Put my cake down!”

The story as sturdy as you need for 80 minutes of kid friendly feel good amusement. The children of Mars are all feeling terrible, so their leader of the planet consults the sage Chochem and says it’s all the mind control learning, overly rigid social structure, and absence of Christmas causing it. So, being a responsible war chief, Kimar goes to Earth in his rocketship, kidnaps two kids to get directions, and then kidnaps Santa to bring back to Mars.

“One day I will tell the Commander how I truly feel…”

Once there, Santa is just amazingly jolly at everyone; including to the usurper Voldar, who keeps on trying to kill him. His presence, and the newly made toy factory, beings out all kinds of joy in the kids, and the Martians gradually chill out. Voldar tries one final scheme to kill Santa, but the Earth and Mars kids save Santa by the power of toys. Dropo the Martian proves to be especially jolly, where as previously he had just been useless, and so he becomes Mars Santa and Earth Santa gets to head home to Christmas day and his wife (random fact: this was the film that invented Mrs Claus).

“I’m so angry I took your last Rolo”

Its bobbins. Pure, perfect, bobbins. It’s taking the sociopolitical complexity of the early 60’s and putting a technicolour shine all over it, uniting the Earth through the universal joy of Christmas and just saying that everything will be alright. It’s not even slightly realistic, and it doesn’t care because it stars Santa. This is not aimed at the cynical or concerned, or anyone who wants to have a mental age over seven. This is for people who want to stay up on Christmas night and get a glimpse of Santa, just to see him.

“But I want to keep them, they go so well with the curtains”

It’s also not badly produced, even if it wasn’t high budget. The sets are solid bits of Christmas chintz and Sci-Fi modernity, the Martians and their robot are satisfyingly inorganic and strange. It certainly looked better than most Doctor Who episodes of the era, and had plenty of good performances throughout. No-one did an amazing job, not with that script or direction, but for a slice of matinee sci-fi pantomime I’ll be amazed if there was anything better out there at the time. The sound was also pretty decent, starting and ending on 100% pure sugar Bobby Soxer nonsense and just keeping things light and active all the way through.

“You ate all the pies, you slave driving git!”

Did it age especially well? Probably not; I suspect it’s too “of it’s time” for its contemporary target audience to connect with it that much. For anyone older, there isn’t all that much to get stuck into, which is probably why people have gone digging for meanings ranging from pro-consumerism to anti-communism propaganda in it. I don’t buy that though, as it’s really not that deep. You can argue that it oversimplifies the complexities of multiculturalism throughout the world, but that’s like saying The Snowman ignores basic biology. On the plus side, it doesn’t drop any massively offensive clangers, so your main fear whilst watching it will be dozing off during the start of the third act.

“Did I leave the gas on?”

Why did it get such a reputation of being “So Bad It’s Good”? My guess is that it’s because it was very obviously a money maker and had no fear over being cheesy. Nothing is easier to mock than honest, open, charitable niceness and a bit of cornball traditionalism, and that has this coming out of its ears. It does exactly what it says on the tin, about the only misnomer is the use of “Conquers” in the title but even then, Santa manages to do that by being unrelentingly pleasant at them all. It’s 80 minutes of mild peril and intense “science-fun-fiction”, so whilst it may not be a treasure it certainly doesn’t deserve being put out in the trash.

The Raggedyman

The film is available on Amazon to stream or buy on DVD & Blu-Ray

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